Being a "Safe" Person and "Safe" Relationships
“It is one of the great paradoxes of the human condition. We ask some variation of the question, ‘How are you feeling?’ over and over, which would lead some to assume that we attach some importance to it. And yet we never expect, or desire, or provide an honest answer.”- Dr. Marc Brackett
“I’m fine, how are you?” is a phrase that makes my hair stand on end, because it rarely feels real and true.
If you received a real and true answer from the cashier at the grocery store when you asked how they were, what would you do with it? Would you know how to hold space for it? To validate their truth without it infringing on your own?
Do you know how to hold space for your own feelings?
Do others see you as a safe person to share with?
At this point in my career as a coach I have spent thousands of hours teaching myself and other people how to feel because we live in a world where “fine” is expected and easier. But what I don't talk a lot about are the barriers to feeling our feelings… and there are many.
What most of them boil down to is that we don’t know how to safely allow and express our emotions. We live in a world that has shown us that we aren’t safe to feel.
One of the women in my community recently said, “I have been avoiding negative feelings because I feel I should always be happy and positive.”
We live in a society that tells us that life will be easier, we will be more successful and well-liked if we are pleasant, positive and cheerful. Being difficult, dramatic, vulnerable, or “too intense” makes others uncomfortable so those things are to be avoided.
We learn this early on. As a child, I was a deep feeler and I was ashamed of it. I had big, big emotions that I didn’t understand and I didn’t know what to do with, and others didn’t know what to do with them either. I was told I was too sensitive, too dramatic, too emotional, took things too personally or too seriously. “Too much” was a story that became ingrained in my body very early.
And many other people experience trauma and abuse around the expression of their feelings, or witness unhealthy and aggressive outbursts of emotion from the adults in their lives. All of these things lead us to believe that we are much better off to stay positive, look on the bright side, and avoid our feelings-- especially the “bad” ones-- at all costs.
So our society is suffering from a lack of emotional competency. Dr. Marc Brackett of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence shares that this affects 5 main areas in our lives: attentional capacity and learning, decision-making, relationships, performance and creativity, and physical and mental health. So, basically everything.
So where do we begin to right the ship?
By giving ourselves-- and others-- permission to feel. Even (especially) when it is inconvenient or uncomfortable.
But in order to get to the step where you are able to feel your feelings, process them, and manage them in a healthy way, you have to first be a safe person for yourself. Meaning that, like a nurturing, loving, mentor or elder, you are able to hold space for all that you are and all that you feel.
In addition to being a safe person for yourself and allowing yourself to incubate your own feelings, it's also important to have safe people or communities in your life where you can fully express all of you, including your feelings.
The characteristics and competencies of being a safe person are the same, whether it is being that for yourself or for others.
Some characteristics of being a safe person are (ways of being):
Nonjudgemental
Validates the experience or emotion
Compassionate
Trustworthy (does not share sensitive information)
Assumes goodness, grace and kind-heartedness
Shows complete acceptance and respect
Asks how you want/need to be supported
Some competencies of being a safe person are (practices or ways of doing):
Stays focused on the feeling/issue/person and does not make it about them
Asks for how the other would like to be supported, and also asks for support when needed (reciprocal relationship)
Sets and communicates clear boundaries around what is ok and what is not ok
Does not rush to “fix” or “solve”
Does not give unsolicited advice
Does not argue with lived experience, even if it isn’t shared experience
These characteristics and competencies are not always immediately identifiable in others; often you have to be a little vulnerable and test the waters with new people and spaces to see if they respond in a safe way. Sometimes you may even want to have a conversation with people in your life about whether or not they can be a person like this for you. We cannot always expect that the people closest to us can fulfill these needs, so we need to remain free of judgement for whether or not others can hold this space, while also seeking out and nurturing relationships with people who can.
I often receive questions from others about how to support loved ones in their grief and sadness and other feelings. What I tell them is: Safety is a reciprocal relationship. Meaning, in order for others to trust you to be a safe person for them, you have to demonstrate these characteristics and competencies and also open yourself up vulnerably and allow them to show up in this way for you.
If you are not vocalizing your feelings, if you are not asking for what you need, if you are not being vulnerable, chances are the other person won't feel safe to do those things either, because they will feel your armor. We have to demonstrate safety and practice safety.
If you need support to practice developing these core characteristics and competencies to be a safe person for yourself and others, set up a time for us to chat to see if coaching would be a good fit.
If you are looking for a safe community where you can show up in your fullness and practice vulnerability, we would welcome you into the Deep Talk Sanctuary on Facebook, a space for courageous and heart-centered connection, where you can practice vulnerability and forge bonds of community trust and support through intimate, real and authentic conversation about our messy human experience.